How to transform pooch/donkey sexysexy lovers into art patrons

Subject: turning you in

dear arty F**K,

you know it is illegal to represent your site as having lets say religious information and then when the user gets there you have all these devil worhsipping crap  IT IS CALLED FRAUD!! and you are lieing to people about what you site contain so you had better shape up or face the conseguances

sincerely, not an art lover

and then my response:

Subject:  no, turning you in

Dear “not an art lover”,

Did you know that it is illegal to leave a dog unsatisfied in New Jersey, or to not clean the horse after “yer dun” in Kentucky? 

Oh and all my Devil Worship artworks are still considered religious. But thanks for the warning!
Remember even dogs need condoms!, Jason

A CONCERNED “CUSTOMER”

Subject: web site problem

Webmaster,

Dude, you should check your site cause I think someone has hacked it. Some artsy crap comes up instead. might get that fixed before people cry for refunds.

Yers, D.F.H.

And then my response:

Subject: new directions

Hey DFH

Don’t worry pal, we are still the same old penetrating paw and hoof site we’ve always been. But with recent medical reports about RSI (repetitive stress injuries), we felt it our duty to consider the wrist and palm health of our customers. So just think of your new content as the intermission in our happy little dog and pony show. 

Yers even more, H.F.H.T.

Someone associated with the zoo pron sites?

Subject: replace links immediately

Whoever you are, stealing traffic is not funny. In fact I can sue your ass. I paid for traffic to my site and altering those links to steal my traffic makes you a thief and owe me for my lost money. I demand you return the links I paid for, the ones now going to your art go bullsh*t!!!!! the next e-mail will be from my lawyer and then it will be too late.

Sincerely,  B**  G*****
Zoo***-****.com

And my reply:

My Dearest  B**

Normally, at this point I make a string of beast effing jokes or elude to self pleasuring as it relates to canines or equestrian sports. But you are right, this isn’t funny. I demand you sue me.  Seriously, I wish I could sue you to force you to sue me. Hell, at this point I would pay you what I have in my wallet…hold on…..twenty…forty….forty-five…no  forty-six dollars. I would pay you forty-six dollars to sue me. You could take your German Sheppard out to dinner at a moderately priced chain restaurant (as long as you dress up your dog as a human, which doesn’t seem to be a problem for you) and then even go see a movie or some vodka and a dog bowl.

And besides in what country would a lawyer would represent you? Have you seen your site? And who did you pay to hack other people’s sites? Seriously, if I still lived in the USA I would go FBI all over your ass. Although we’d have to chip through all the caked on beast cream before we could reach your claw scarred buttocks.

Just waiting for the next e-mail,  Jason

And a nice one, that turns into a public service announcement

Subject: cool art

I found your opening.html art site surfing the internet, and thought it was really cool. I have never seen anything like it. Keep it up.

H***

And my response:

Subject: re:cool art

H***

After monitoring your net activities, this will be embarrassing for both of us, but I have to ask.  Did you come to the site after searching for beast love? An honest answer is in your best interest.

Jason

And then he responded:

Subject: re:cool art

Oh damn. Am I in trouble? I didn’t mean to search for anything criminal. I am so sorry. I only looked at a few other gross pages and then left. Please, please don’t come after me I have never looked at this kinda stuff before and wont do it again. Some kid at my school told me about it and told me to search on google. Please understand I did not mean to look at anything.

sorry, H***

Poor kid….Ok….time to throw some lesson into this mess

Subject: official decision

Dear H***,

After further evaluation of our preliminary findings in this investigation, we have decided to not take further action. However this decision is contingent on two factors: that you not access any more ‘criminal’ content, and that you voluntarily complete twenty hours of community service. As you know we are now monitoring your net and social activity, which will continue until your community service is complete. I strongly suggest helping your elderly neighbors. Please be aware that any mention of this correspondence will force us into official channels.

No further correspondence is needed.

Sincerely, chief investigator of case #SC324334

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